On Fodder Ground

Worship

2007-09-10T23:18:00.000+08:00

Pile-high mighty ziggurat
One-two-one-two-one.

Up and up the ziggurat
The little rats do run
They scuttle up and can’t get down
The dusty leafs of white
The reams—they scream for sacrifice
No faith nor work for justice

Pile-high lofty ziggurats
Time is not for waiting
I’m a miser—
If time is money and money is time
I am made none more righteous
For though I may share my money
Time’s for my own purchasing

Time limits the things where I don’t want limits
Unlimits things where I need some boundaries
Limiting reactant A
A limit to words
A limit to thoughts
Some jarring alien obstruction

Pile-high lofty ziggurats
In ardent paper chase
In wild hallelujah raise
The song of praise or utter disgrace
Cheap rhyme—no time
Truly yes, some clichéd rat race
We all know how this is going to end
But we follow and follow through
Fall down and down but never up
And wonder where we fell and went

To stop and wonder and think
To feel at least the reward
Of my efforts, my thoughts, and the worth of things
I will not give—cannot give time to be sought.

Pile-high lofty ziggurats
Alas, the request for a sacrifice—it must be met.

Grey Skies

2007-09-03T23:49:00.000+08:00

I have always loved the sky.

Today, and for many other days I realized why I loved it.

Its been raining the pass few days which means that I usually catch the sky dripping with rain or clear with a dazzling sun. Somehow today, at a point where I was feeling so mixed inside; sad, happy, loved, unloved and to love, exasperated, angry, fed-up the sky was there to reflect every single emotion and to articulate it, in its nature, into one word: anticipation.

It was pregnant with rain yet I couldn't tell whether it was a thunderstorm or drizzle that would ensue. The air was breezy and still with every single human under it rushing to and fro without once beholding the spectre of anticipation.

I don't know a lot of things. And there are many times when I realize that I'm exasperated at that fact but suppress it. I've got emotional tenure but it breaks sometimes. Not knowing. Leaving it all to someone else. Of having to constantly make the right decisions: or what I think are the right decisions.

I do want to go to prom and for many reasons as well. I didn't really seem that interested in it when I first paid for the ticket. I thought I'd rather go to Nepal. And I do too as well. But I want to be able to say goodbye to some special people; it may be cliched, meaningless, in the heat of the moment but at least its been said. I missed my chance 2 years ago and to a certain extent I regret it. Perhaps its because I'm just facing up to my plain simple wishes. Sometimes I feel I've tried to live the way I'm supposed to for so long-make a sacrifice and fly to Nepal-I've forgotten to give heed to my own innate wishes. Not that living it right is not good but even God desires that I be happy.

I want to go for prom and to Nepal. Let's see how it goes. I will be happy with both. I will be happy with either. Its a small thing in considering that prelims are next week.

Its emotionally straining. I seek gratification, and now, or soon. That said. Patience.

The Need for Knowledge

2007-08-29T00:02:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I find it entirely woeful that we can exude such wisdom yet partake none of it. I do not mock those that befall this great shortcoming for I am one such as well. But perhaps, the silliness of it all, I mean this silliness in a nice way, is so much more obvious when you see it in someone else.

We are all students. In our race there is the good and the bad. But whether or not such tags mean anything or carry any value is questionable. Questionable because its ignores such necessities as context. But I suppose a person who is good at everything is good. A tall order, but a preconceived idea. Here I see a tendency towards absolutes; you're either good at everything or nothing really at all. And then again we see a need to be utterly consistent in our goodness, be it test, exam, or mere assignment, the best must be given and it must show.

Apart from such rigid behavior we find it in ourselves to know that a person's value or happiness cannot lie on such accomplishment or else we may never be anything better than a weak branch in the wind that bends and sways to every draught that comes our way or 50% grade for that matter.

I now see why disappointment so common. We know but we don't understand, nor do we act on our wisdom. We continue in this folly not because we want to, but for the sheer amount of difficulty it presents.

Questioned Faith

2007-08-18T23:54:00.000+08:00

My friend asked me the other day. It was a biggish question. A kind of question which is asked not so for an answer but for an opinion.

What is a faithful Christian?

At that point in time, my mind just went blank. I knew it, I knew the answer, I knew I could give an answer, yet I just could not find the right words to articulate it. Perhaps because, I wanted to give my friend a short answer, summed up in some quotable quote of sorts. An answer that could silence after a bowl of prawn mee had been consumed. But I guess I knew that I couldn't. Faith, what is it? To speak of something I myself seek but have not witheld in all its full assurance is a big feat for I do not even have a figment of it. What came to mind today, a few days later is that equally enigmatic verse in Hebrews 11:

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen.

That whole chapter and the chapters following expound on faith, but it is not a philosophical exegesis on what faith is. The author deems it enough to tell us that faith is simply believing without seeing, of relying and placing a large measure of trust on a world that seems intangible but, as the odds are, just as real as our own world of sight, touch and smell. Instead, the writer of the Hebrews shows us what faith is through the recalling of great men and women of the Bible: Abraham, Moses, Rahab just to name a few.

Faith is such a deep subject. A faithful Christian is not someone who takes the communion, gets baptised or goes to church every Sunday, God leaves faithful to Him. He decides pretty much. Its hard to tell on the outside the faith of someone. I know that sometimes I sound faithful on the outside but deep inside my anger or disappointment with God still wages strong. True to this as well is that faith doesn't make a calm and collected Christian whose mind, soul and emotions transcend all earthly bondages making him unshakeable and forever beaming with an almost idiotic grin on his face. In a very major way, faith is the acknowledgement of the reality of God, its the same as trust in a relationship where you trust the reality of your friend and understand each others needs and expectations. Faith is just that. It doesn't make a happy relationship, as my friend already understands, there cannot be perfect love between God and man because man is sinful, Man has played the whore.

God will always be grieved by Man; and Man too will be grieved by his own trappings. But before we get to anywhere else on Faith and its "problems", get this; faith is simply the regard of God as real, of ever present and active, in control of our present day and age. Thats just the beginning though.

Hopefully in the following days, or weeks, I'll be able to touch on the following topics:

2 kinds of faith
Faith and Suffering
Dissapointment in God
Faith in the Bible [and why the Bible is the truth of God]

Faith

2007-08-16T23:26:00.000+08:00

Put thou thy trust in God
In duty's path go on;
Walk in His strength with faith and hope,
So shall thy work be done

Give to the winds thy fears;
Hope, and be undismayed;
God hears thy sighs and counts thy tears
God shall lift up thy head.

Commit thou all thy griefs
And ways into His hands,
To His sure truth and tender care
Who earth and heaven commands.

Though years on years roll on,
His covenant shall endure;
Though clouds and darkness hide His path,
The promised grace is sure

Through waves, and clouds, and storms,
He gently clears thy way;
Wait thou His time; so shall this night
Soon end in joyous day

Leave to His sovereign sway
To choose and to command
So shalt thou, wandering, own His way
How wise, how strong His hand.

by Wesley C. Gerhardt

The Act of Repentance

2007-07-29T14:25:00.000+08:00

These 2 days I had one query on my mind with regards to that famous verse below:

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

1 John 1:9

What does it mean to confess? Rather, does confession entail anything more beyond a verbal whisper or prayer of "sorry God for....In Jesus name I pray,Amen"? As Christians, confession is a sacrament; a necessity. But there have been times when I've wondered how sincere my confessions have been. No doubt, I think we are mostly conscious of when we have done something wrong and to make atonement we confess, but does it matter if we do not feel great sorrow, a weight on our being?

Honestly, I must admit that sometimes I don't. In fact, I have even gone as far as to repeat the same mistakes a short time after my confession. I almost think it frivolous to have the Lord forgive me time and again with just my confession. I feel a problem there. Of not feeling any real discomfort, or guilt. If that is the case, I think confession then becomes simply a ritual, important but meaningless.

I guess, in that sense, my own question has been answered. When told to confess, repentance must follow], accompanied by a heart of shame but with a willingness to accept forgiveness. It is not simply a matter of lipservice. The lack of sorrow, or guilt is a clear indicator of our increasing numbness towards the unholy nature of sin; I've been down that path before. Our mind rationalizes, and our mind is strong and assertive, yet, somehow, one cannot ignore the sickening feeling in the heart.

There was once I even had to pray for a contrite spirit, and it came. God can give a heart of repentance which accompanies a newly gained accute perspective of sin. I am not asking anyone to shed tears, or induce sorrow but this passage of scripture always reminds me harshly of the perils of insincere confession and what it is an indicator of:

For if we sin willfully after that we have received the knowledge of the truth, there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins,

But a certain fearful looking for of judgment and fiery indignation, which shall devour the adversaries,

He that despised Moses' law died without mercy under two or three witnesses

Of how much sorer punishment, suppose ye, shall he be thought worthy who hath trodden under foot the Son of God, and hath counted the blood of the covenant, wherewith he was sanctified, an unholy thing, and hath done despite unto the Spirit of grace?

Hebrews 10:26-29

Getting a Move On

2007-07-22T22:30:00.000+08:00

Today at church we had a sermon on discipleship, and I was nodding off into another world of apple-picking, stone walls and supernatural storms; not exactly the Garden of Eden episode of temptation or the victory at the wall of Jericho. Certainly not "O ye of little faith" sleeping-Jesus-and-scared-disciples incident. Those who share the same trials as me, you know what I mean.

Unfortunately, I cannot recall to mind what was said, in a way though, not to be proud, I do figure I wouldn't have heard anything completely new. Which made me think.

Perhaps there comes a point in time in your Christian life when things you hear around you start seeming cliched. It seems so to me now. Sometimes, at least. I'll admit that I'm not as excited as I used to before when I hear sermons about the need to forgive and doing God's will. Its not about how long I've been in church, but I suppose its God's way of telling you that its time to move on to other considerations now that you've heard whats in required of you through and through. As much as I've heard about forgiveness, kindness, generosity, or the need to live a clean life, the real challenge now, far from the excitement of realizing the need to change a part of my life for the better as it was in the past, is to DO it. The weekly reminders become not so much a prescription of behavior but a stark reminder of shortcomings. Perhaps that explains the seeming 'bore' I sometimes feel.

Somewhere today, I've been reminded of a need to move on. The Race is not about staying at the starting line and having the rules of the race read out to you repeatedly, sure you get to choose when you want to actually start running, and I think that's the most important decision; that is, second in importance to deciding whether you join the race or not. Becoming a child of God is crucial, living it out with Him and obeying his commandments are too. He gives us a choice as to when we want to start, but chances are, He wouldn't want us to procrastinate for too long.

Me? I still find sermons boring, but I know there's such a life of purpose and fulfillment which I now run towards. Beyond the Bible and youth camp renewed fervor that seems to erode immediately upon contact with secular life; its the principles that these boring sermons admonish every Sunday that form the core on which we must act.

Three's a crowd

2007-07-07T16:08:00.000+08:00

But not always.

I refer to the verse which I once dedicated to 2 of my best friends:

Though one may be overpowered by another,
two can withstand him.
And a threefold cord is not quickly broken. 4:12

They've been alot of couples getting hitched in my church recently and it reminded me again of that all important element in close relationships. The Third Party. Of course, it doesn't take more than compatible chemistry to get two people together, but to stay together? I think in every relationship there just needs to be something more than each person's will to keep the each other together, happily.

Take off

2007-06-16T00:09:00.000+08:00

I've actually had 4 posts down, 2 of them are drafts which really goes to show how I've not been able to really sit down and reflect on how things are at the moment. Most of the things being mentioned here are meant to be a little more detached from my personal life yet closer to the contemplations on the nature of God, religion and other existential matters. I hope this will take off.

Speaking of take off, I'll be going to the Philippines later this morning for an eye care trip my church is organizing. I am happy to go, away from the strangulatory atmosphere of my 4 walls and a table of books coupled by a guilt ridden conscience of not having touched geography or that essay. I do not know what I will learn nor what I will experience. That is the wonder of it all. Now I can add yet another LEDC to my list of visited countries...wait a minute. They are all LEDCs.

So well, yes, I guess thats not surprising considering the fact that only a handful of countries have first world status.

I haven't been thinking about spiritual matters much, but they surely bug you even when you don't think about them. In fact, the more you ignore them, the more they bug you. I'm not talking about cute apologetics to prove God exists or that the trinity is 'dichotomized' and unified all at once, my concern is just daily Christian living-reading the Bible and following what God wants me to be. I can't even do that and I wonder why its so hard sometimes. I think the hardest commandment is that which calls us to Love. Love your enemies, love your neighbor and love God. Why is it so difficult to live as we have been called?

This question still lingers, philosophically and realistically on my mind and in my life. I do not understand why it is so difficult, only perhaps that it is as difficult for unatural to be natural.

Where are you off to?

2007-05-14T20:37:00.000+08:00

I come back today from a highly interesting talk.

"Tea with Doctors" it said. Of course, tea in Singapore isn't much of clotted cream and scones as it is of Gold Kili coffee and Lipton tea.

That said, tea wasn't really the focus as much as it was on the people who had come down to share, no different from what I expect they must have been doing everyday of their lives. I was quite surprised at seeing a peer from church whom I found out was a 2nd year medical student. I can't really explain what went through my mind as those individuals shared, the only sense I could get was that they were indeed called, and they had indeed sacrificed. I am glad we were all told, its not something you want to learn.

In a few days time, or maybe in one or two weeks. I will be asked what I will want to do for the rest of my life. To be honest. I do not know but in the way that I have a few dreams and hopes but a need to synchronize them with His plan for my happiness. Right now, while I wait for directions, I'll "fill up the requirements and open up the options".

We Run

2007-05-12T23:45:00.000+08:00

The analogy of life to a race is one that is commonplace.

However, it stands all the more poignant as I see myself and my peers on the verge of a torrent of exams since the 6 months that have passed have engulfed us in the tide of preparation.
Tonight especially, after such a terrible week, I find that it is extremely hard to ignore the transcendency of 1 Corinthians 9: 24-27 even as I read it tonight, for it resonates alongside the voices of friends whom I recall telling me of their struggle with academics and with choosing a career, and it reminds me of what I should know but one that I find difficult to commit to my heart:

Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may obtain it. And everyone who competes for the prize is temperate in all things. Now they do it to obtain a perishable crown, but we for an imperishable crown. Therefore I run thus: not with uncertainty. Thus I fight: Not as one that beats the air. But I bring my body into subjection, lest, when I have preached to others, I myself should become disqualified.

The passage speaks for itself. We all run a race towards a goal or goals but Paul divides this only into 2 kinds: the perishable and imperishable. I would figure that most of what we work for now is perishable. Solomon explicates that well enough in his book of Ecclesiastes. Our jobs, our grades, our money and finally our lives will past, and maybe some of us who think ourselves enlightened are happy and at peace to acknowledge the brevity of life and the notion that it is a mere point in time of the world that we had a part in. Sometimes I think that man has lost the pride that he should have kept as Jean the valet says in Strindberg's Miss Julie that Julie is "too stuck-up in some ways and not proud enough in others". My friend once asked something to the effect of "What if man just thinks that he's here for a purpose, to feel better?". I had tried my best to give her some answer and probably told her the Isaac Newton story and how he told his atheist friend that no one had made the solar system model he had on his desk and likened it to him not believing that God created the universe, but frankly I had no answer thats as good and intelligent as I would like to. I still don't. The only question I can probably ask in reply is "Why something and not nothing?"

You see, if we are made for a purpose, our goal is that purpose. That purpose lies in the Creator whom we only can know if we accept. Its hard enough thinking of a perishable crown to run after or to run to [Doctor? Dentist? Vet? Diplomat? Housewife? Wandering hermit?] but I already can see my imperishable goal. Thats half the race won because I know where exactly to go.